DIARY OF A MINNESOTA SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow
of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow! covering every inch of the landscape. What a
fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such
a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to
do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on
the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy
to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile
the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. God! I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing
to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddam
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up
to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob
who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
busy watching for the goddam snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
goddamed slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says
I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes
froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.
THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No
more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
